These past two years have been a season of great changes. I turned 40, physically I started to have a sense of aging. I have noticed more aches and pains, I have more grey hair. But on a mental level, I found myself having a lot of new discoveries and realizations about life that I never had before. So today I thought I'd share with you 15 lessons I've learned so far.
Age is just a number.
Since I was a little girl I learned from my parents and the older generation to set expectations to achieve certain things at a certain age: go to university at 18, finish university and get a job at 22, have a family at 25, etc.
But now that I look back, a lot of these expectations are created out of fear. We are limiting ourselves to so many things and giving ourselves so much burden when we just live to meet these expectations.
Don't let your age dictate where you should be in your life. It's okay to not have everything figured out in your 20s or 30s. It's also okay to learn new things or change where you are in your 40s.
It's about understanding where you are at the moment and embracing it no matter what.
Regular Exercise is very important
Study shows that exercise can treat mild depression as effectively as anti-depressant medication, but without the side effect. It also helps with anxiety and stress.
I've never been an athletic person in my life. Actually, I didn't start getting into regular exercise until I was in my 30s. But since I started doing regular mild exercise, not only have I felt stronger physically, but also my mood more regulated. I have also become more confident in myself and become more comfortable while I juggle between family life and a busy work schedule.
You can't love others until you love yourself
I've heard this for many many years, but not until recent years that I understand what this means.
I had no idea who I am during my 20s and the majority of my 30s. I devoted myself to my family and my career. I know I love them, but I was also unhappy, resentful, and filled with guilt.
Not until recent years when I finally understand how my past shaped me into who I am as a person and started to accept and embrace the broken part of me, have I started to care for and love myself.
That's when I started to truly understand how to love others authentically, with no guilt and shame.
We change over time and It's important to embrace it.
Now when I look back at myself 10 years, 20 years ago, I was a completely different person than I am today.
I am so much wiser, more confident, calmer, and with more compassion now that I am in my 40s. But I don't judge the old me at any stage. Different me is still me navigating my life at any given moment with what I knew and understood.
We all change and grow as we age. That's just part of life. Without the old me making all the mistakes, I wouldn't have become me today. And I'm sure 10 years down the road when I look back again I would see a different me today as well.
A job is a job.
You've probably heard stories about people who work hard for an organization for decades, and when they retire, they suddenly don't know what to do with themselves. They either fall ill or become depressed.
Why does this happen to these people? The answer is simple.
It happens to these people because their entire identity is defined by their jobs. They look at their jobs when they look for success. So when they stop working they basically lose their entire identity.
I used to work long hours and weekends at my job because it gave me a sense of accomplishment and I feel successful when I work hard and get paid.
But now I realized that my job is not my life. How I am as a person and how happy I am in my life are not defined by my job. My job is only one of the facets of me and there are so many things in life that I can explore and be successful in.
Things don’t make you rich
I spent most of my life chasing external validations for myself. One of those things was stuff that I bought.
I used to feel that as I become more successful and made more money what good way to prove my success except by buying things?
But the excitement of buying things is only so temporary. In fact, a lot of times I felt a sense of emptiness after I made a large purchase, or even regret after I realized the pain on my credit card balance.
At the end of the day, the things we brought into the house are just stuff. They deplete our wealth, not enhance it. The best way to enhance our wealth is to learn about money the right way and use it the right way.
Don’t take everything so seriously
A lot of the stress from our day-to-day life comes from us overestimating the importance of pretty much everything.
The hundred things that I couldn't finish from my to-do list, the little mistake that I made at work, and the random comments from a stranger that won't go away in my head.
If you think about it, most things in our daily life, unless it's life or death, they are not that important. At least not as important as we think they are.
Deal with everything with a sense of humor. It will make life so much easier and less stressful.
When other people judge you, it’s not about you
One of the best lessons that I've learned over the year is to let go of people's judgment.
When I was young I cared so much about how people looked at me and whether people liked me. It was such an unnecessary burden to our life. At the end of the day, people really don't care about you as much as you care about yourself.
You are not the version of yourself in other people's eyes. You don't need others' approval to be you!
That doesn't mean I don't present myself properly to others. But I do that for myself, not for them. I am the approver of myself.
Never stop learning about yourself
One of the most exciting parts of life is seeing ourselves change and grow over time.
As we age, we see a little more of ourselves along the way.
Be excited and never stop exploring ourselves as a person. Sometimes what we learn may surprise us, or not as what we expect, but embrace it and love it anyways.
It’s OK to not have a lot of friends
I am a true introvert and for many years I thought I should attend more social events, and make more friends because that's what "everyone" should do.
But the older I get, the more I realized that it's completely ok to not have a lot of friends.
Having a lot of friends doesn't mean anything. It doesn't make our life better, and it doesn't make us happier. We need friends that are of quality, not quantity.
You might have had trauma, but you are not the trauma
A lot of people talk about childhood trauma these days. How you grew up shaped who you are as a person.
I had never seen it that way until recent years, but now that I see how my emotional growth journey was impacted by the relationship between my parents, and the dynamic in my family, I totally get it.
Here's the thing, all of us experienced some sort of trauma growing up, whether it had a great impact on our life or not. Just because there's trauma in our life, doesn't mean that we will become the trauma.
Just because my parents had a bad relationship for 30 years, doesn't mean I would have a bad relationship with my husband. We have the choice to acknowledge that and proactively seek healing and a brighter path.
Don’t be afraid to say no (with kindness)
One of the breaking points for me as an emotionally immature introvert with low confidence to become someone who started to know who she is and embrace it is to start saying no to people with kindness.
I emphasize "with kindness" because sometimes we thought we gain the confidence to say no, but it's in fact not from confidence, and it comes across as mean.
When you learn to say no with kindness, you truly understand your value to other people and know how to set healthy boundaries with compassion.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
I grew up in an environment where my parents didn't have the best relationship, and as an only child, I had almost zero emotional support throughout my teenage years and early adulthood.
As a result, I grew up hyper-independent. I thought I could just navigate the world by myself without any help, even way into my years as a wife and mother.
But that led to a lot of anger, frustration, and resentment.
Not until recent years that I realized that a lot of these are internalized narratives that I created for myself over the years.
No one in this world can navigate the world without any help. No one.
Trust me, starting to ask for help is not easy, but taking the first step was crucial for me to recognize my past and make the choice to move forward. It takes practice, but the more I do it, the easier it gets, and the more freedom I feel.
Trust yourself, your instincts
Over the years I have made a lot of mistakes. Like A LOT!
But when I look back now, I am happy that I trusted my instincts on most of the decisions I made.
Yes, some were not the best decisions. But they led to the path that I am on now and it creates the me that I am today. And I love me today.
What is the biggest life lesson you have learned so far in your life?
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